I was born and raised in NYC in a Christian home, baptized as a youth. I played my Trombone for the worship teams of the various Churches I attended and was also a Sunday school teacher. I was called by God twice to enter into the ministry, which I did not choose to do.
Then as I approached my High School years I began to not serve God as I should. I wanted to fit in and began to hang out with the wrong crowd. I began to cut classes, and wanted to dress and act just like them. I still did very well in my schoolwork because I knew I had to get the grades to get into college. I finally graduated and got into Saint Johns University. Here things got worse. I was a closet Christian and lived a double life. On Sundays I was involved in everything in Church but Monday thru Saturday I was lost in my world of sin and lusts.
I met my wife Maria at a Church I was visiting. She was the Deacon’s daughter. We dated and we got married in 1985. Our marriage was based on all the wrong reasons. She needed to get away from her dysfunctional family and I wanted to join everyone else who was getting married at the time. Our marriage was based on lust and too many expectations from my part. We stopped going to church and lived our own lives.
I was working nights at the Post office, the graveyard shift from the beginning of our marriage. My job became my home away from home. I was letting the job get a hold of my time leaving no time at all for my wife. The relationships that I was establishing at the job were exposing me to pornography, adultery, and alcohol. I did not guard my heart and became a womanizer.
I wanted a large family and this was not happening quickly enough for me. After 5 years of infertility doctors, our daughter Elizabeth was finally born on April 20, 1990. She also died the very next day after surgery from a congenital birth defect. She was born without a diaphragm. I was very upset from this whole ordeal and my whole character just changed for the worse. I became very abusive mentally and physically to my wife and mistreated her and blamed her for all the problems in our marriage and used the circumstances as a crutch to engage in my sinful lifestyle. I am not proud of this period of my life.
After 4 years of this lifestyle, our Son Steven was born in 1994. I made a decision to change and to be a father and a better husband to my wife. Two years later our twins, Sarah and Alexandra were miscarried in 1996. One year later our daughter Brianna was miscarried in 1997 and one year later our daughter Stephanie was miscarried in 1998. I became a bitter man and began to fall again to my past ways. I wanted out of my marriage and began not to care any more about the consequences. I was going to get satisfaction in all the wrong places. I wanted a divorce but was not man enough to do it. I wanted my wife to ask for it so I made her life miserable.
In 1997 I was hospitalized with pancreatitis. After coming out of the hospital I was still losing weight and getting sicker. My Dr. after performing a series of tests called me into his office on April 16, 1998. “I have good news and bad news” he said. “We found the cause of your weight loss. The bad news is that you have full blown “AIDS”. You have anywhere from 6 months to a year if the medications do not work”. I cried like a baby and contemplated suicide. I did not want anyone to know about this disease and did not want my family to be without benefits/insurance or me. But something in the back of my mind told me that if I committed suicide I would be lost in Hell forever.
I instead went home and confessed my life and diagnosis to my wife. I was scared that I had possibly infected her and my son with this virus. I then went to the hospital. A turning point happened while I was in the hospital. I did not want to die and wanted to still have a home to come to. I prayed like I never prayed before. I asked God to give me a second chance and that my marriage would not end in a divorce. I finally went home and much needed to be done. Jesus restored my marriage and began to work in my life.
The past can’t be erased. I have to live with my mistakes. But God can use them for good. I just needed to get to a place where I can feel forgiven for my mistakes. I found comfort from this Bible text, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” John 8:10-11.
The Apostle Paul put it this way in Romans 7:18. “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” He struggled with some personal issues, so did King David who was a man after God’s own heart. So I was not alone in this.
The Devil wants me to dwell on my disease and past so I will forget the power of the Great Physician. But God is awesome and will forgive. I John 1:9 says ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” John 3:16-17 says “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”
What an awesome promise!! At the foot of the Cross of Calvary I am cleansed and made whole. His Blood flows in me and I am forgiven. As the Psalmist David said in Psalm 118:17 “ I will not die but live and proclaim what the lord has done.” Praise God!!
It takes just one time to mess up our lives. Are you heavy into drugs, pornography, Internet porn, sex or are you an abusive spouse? Do you feel your life is not the way it should be? Don’t say I can put it off for tomorrow. I said that and it took this dire consequence to change me. The effect on my life was devastating. I lost my job, relationships and a future. But I found Jesus!
How do we get forgiveness for our Sins? Confess it to God and repent of your sins. We serve a God of Second Chances. There is nothing He cannot do. Jesus has not allowed this AIDS virus to take my life nor did He allow this virus to infect my wife and son. He is awesome. He has demonstrated His love for me in my life and wants to do the same for you. I have been living with AIDS for over 17 years. Jesus has put a hand of protection over me. God also gave me a ministry called “Guard Your Heart Ministries”. See: Guard Your Heart Ministries
I am thankful for the Guys of Lost and Found Motorcycle Ministry for their friendship and allowing me to join their group. I am thankful for the various churches where I fellowship with for their love towards me and my family.
I pray that God has touched your heart through this testimony. It’s all about Jesus! God Bless You!!
Pastor SAM